The complexity of being an “ungrateful” queer Anglican

Gratitude.

Great word isn’t it?

Great sentiment too.

“The quality of being thankful,” the dictionary says.

And yes, I have many things to be grateful for – my work, films, writing, reading, the time and energy to study and think about theology, plus my friends and whanau.

But I’m also wary of the implication people need to show gratitude.

Like the “grateful refugee” or the “deserving poor” are phrases pulled out again and again, I’m starting to feel like I’m an “ungrateful queer” this week.

It ties slightly into discussions over Auckland Pride and whether police should be able to march in uniform.

Without going into that discussion too much, there’s an implied sentiment (mainly from the wider community of mostly straight, fellow white folk) that we should be grateful things are not as bad as they were.

No, but it’s not all sunshine and roses, as the police admit to racial profiling and our trans siblings are getting treated badly and being misgendered in prisons.

But we should be grateful.

No.

It’s been a similar sentiment expressed during conversations over the recent moves around the Anglican Church of Aotearoa and Polynesia’s decision that some churches, if they want to, can bless gay marriages.

They’re not marrying folk in their churches, nor do churches or ministers have to take these ceremonies under church “law”.

But several churches have kicked up a stink and are in the process of leaving, with plans of joining the Diocese of Sydney and setting up two “Anglican” Church bodies in New Zealand.

That was until Anglican representatives responded (via a gracefully scathing letter), which acknowledged that 200 years of church history in Aotearoa – including the impacts of colonisation and working through differences – would not be recognised in a second, new branch.

So now the “leavers” are stuck with where to go now and we queer Anglicans are supposed to be super grateful about the supposed new affirmingness of our church.

I am.

But I’m also not.

Don’t believe for a minute any non-affirming Diocese is suddenly more so.

They’re not.

They may be welcoming, but they may not be affirming.

We’re supposed to be grateful that some churches can now recognise the relationship of their queer members, or, indeed, their ministers.

It doesn’t mean other churches are any more welcoming than they were before.

Can you be openly gay and lead in your churches? Could you bring a same-sex partner along? What about our trans whanau? Are gay ministers all comfortable being “out” now?

No.

But hey, I can’t be picky can I?

I should just have gratitude they’re showing us a little bit of compassion after spending decades debating our humanity and love as basic “theological disagreements”.

I should just be grateful for the folk that haven’t left the Church, while recognising many childhood friends and other connections are wanting to leave because of our “sin”.

I should just be grateful that more folk HAVEN’T left.

And I should stop critiquing the church.

Because I’m being an ungrateful queer right now, and you’re not allowed to do that.

Because you’ve got to appreciate the tiny slivers of progress offered to you and show your gratitude to people who still won’t recognise your relationships as legitimate.

BUT AT LEAST THEY HAVEN’T LEFT, YOU SAY.

This is not to say I don’t appreciate the move or all the work by my fellow queer Anglicans and allies, I really, really do.

But to my straight, cisgender Anglican friends expecting me to be overwhelmingly filled with joy by a church that likely sees its “progress” as complete, while my LGBTQ siblings still can’t get married within a church and likely will remain unable to for many, many years to come, I can’t be.

Some churches and areas may have made progress, but be warned, just as corporations jumped on the Pride bandwagon (and off as fast as they could) we are still as “issue” up for debate in the eyes of many people.

And be warned, they haven’t even started debating gender yet.